Daily Snippets

Retrospective: Where I was and am

This post will be rather egoistical, in the sense that many “I”s will appear as I reflect upon myself.

I always feel kinda amazed, looking at where I am today. Not successful per se, but I am somewhere I thought I’d lost my chance to be at.

University.

I often think that my being is trash, that I’ve never actually achieved anything spectacular enough for me to deserve living life. I’m not an outstanding person, not one to be in the spotlight. My physical body merely retaining this soul of mine on the Earth that daddy God had placed it. I often think about how so many others deserve to live in my stead, because they can achieve so much more. I grieve at the thought of how I don’t deserve my life, if the lives of many high-achieving persons have been taken so early on.

When my grades began to spiral downhill, so did my own self-worth. I barely graduated with a diploma in veterinary biosciences, and gave up on previous thoughts of university. My grades were the most terrible I’ve had, and there were just so, so, so many amazing people around me. I felt like I had nothing in comparison, nothing that could grant myself the permission to live.

I shall be a little bold here and admit that I have many skills, most of which involve attention to detail and patience. Of course, learning these new skills all begin with interest and curiosity. Never have I, however, persisted in mastering them all. I often become much too obsessed with the thought of gaining attention through showcasing the skills I’ve learnt, and when I tire of it, I quit.

My life is full of half baked works, so what do I have that may prove myself to be worthy of life?

That’s when the thought of presenting myself as a cute persona came to me. I donned concealers to hide my flaws, and convinced myself that I could look attractive. That maybe if I couldn’t achieve spectacular works, I could try to look nice in everybody’s eyes. I never got the hang of heavy make-up, but concealers became a part of me. From despising my inner self, appreciating my concealed face, and eventually, being ashamed of my own bare face. I developed a physical mask of my own, and my insecurities increased exponentially.

I’ve recently begun to work on accepting my bare self again. It is work that will take time, but I’m certain I’ll succeed. Or at least I’m hoping to believe that I will.

Back to university, if it were not for my friend’s invitation, my sister’s encouragement, and my parents’ unending believe and support, I would never be where I am now. For me, it is like I have been given a second chance to redeem myself.

Never in my life had I ever considered studying overseas. Neither had I any idea how university certification worked – what’s a Bachelors and what’s a Masters?

Till this day, I am truly amazed at how I’m now studying in Tasmania, a place which I never knew existed till my visit to the university fair.

My life is far from a happy ending; many doubts still haunt me, but such is life is it not? I will definitely continue appreciating this opportunity I’ve been blessed with, and try to live the life I’ve been given.

Retrospective

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